How to respond to "but we're unique"

Part of the Facilitate Better "How To" series

Approximate reading time: three minutes; 481 words.

It may occur in a workshop. It often happens when a national representative visits a local affiliate or chapter. Perhaps a town hall or house of delegates meeting. It might even occur in a one-on-one discussion. 

At some point every person who facilitates encounters this participant response:

You don't understand. That won't work here.

We're different.  We're unique. 

Sigh.

That's the internal facilitator response to something we've likely heard so many times before.  While this may be a natural human reaction, expressing impatience or exasperation with this participant comment isn't helpful,.

Let's consider what frustrated facilitators or leaders who find themselves in this situation might be thinking:

• You're not nearly as unique as you think you are.

• Everyone thinks they are different, but you can still use this information if you adapt it a bit.

• You may be unique, but that doesn't mean we are going to make an exception to our policies.

• “We're unique” is just a defensive response people use when they don't want to try something new or work at learning from an example that isn't 100% like them.

None of these reactions will help advance the conversation … even if all of them might be true.

Remember the root definition of facilitation: actions that make it easier.  What are we trying to make easier?  For individuals to thoughtfully consider something that right now they are dismissing.

When a participant exclaims, “You don't understand.  We're different.” only one response makes it easier to advance a discussion: accepting it as true and engaging in open-minded inquiry to learn more.

• “You say your chapter is different and that what's proposed won't work for you. I'd love to learn more about the differences you see here that are obstacles to implementation.”

• “You know, everyone and every situation is unique.  Tell us more about what makes that true for you.”

• “What do we most need to understand about you or your situation?”

In other words, we need to dig deeper and listen without judgment, something that works in most situations when resistance is encountered.  Doing anything else, particularly dismissing the proclaimed uniqueness, invites nothing but defensiveness.

Remember the ladder of inference:  "We're different and that won't work for us" is an inference, a judgment or subjective assessment based on a system of beliefs and possibly some tangible reasons.

The facilitative response invites participants to step down to the base of the ladder and to share their observations, the reality and facts they see mattering.

In doing so, we help surface the information that can help determine (1) if the uniqueness of the individual and/or the organization really is relevant to what's being discussed, and (2) how we (or others in the conversation) might help them '“try on” any proposed new thinking to see where they might effectively put it to use.

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